Well hi there World of WordPress.
Ok first thing, I’ve escaped the oppressive place I was in.. I’m home, I’m happier, in most ways, so I’ll take that. I do need a job though..
When I found out I that I was on my way to getting back to my island paradise, I contacted someone who I’ve been intimate with before, you know, “better the devil you know”, and I requested a certain service, and I also asked to be told exactly what stipulations, clauses, amendments..you know, “what do you want”, might be agreeable to them. So after a month of no response to the question of what was wanted, I got an answer during a text exchange early one morning. I’m not sure if the answer given was meant to give me as much insight as it did…. but it surely opened my eyes.
I’m getting ahead of myself.
I’ve been here for a month, I’ve been in need (yes need) of some coitus. There is one person I trust enough to know that I can get what I need and good conversation and laughs too. There are actually more out there, but I like this one. My mistake was falling for him. Falling for someone who doesn’t feel the same way about you is quite sad. Especially if that person has clocked on to just how hard you’ve fallen, and sees an opportunity, and runs with it. You really can’t blame that person. Carpe Diem. Let me be clear, this wasn’t a FWB type relationship, not that I knew…. but perhaps I always knew. When you fall hard for someone, losing them can sometimes scare you so much, that you stop listening to that little voice inside you that calls BS on explanations and reasons and stories they tell you. You hear the voice, but you tell it to go to the time out corner and be quiet. People let me tell you, if your little voice says that something is wrong, if someone (with no need to lie) tells you they’ve seen something, they know something, and you bring it up with that person you’ve fallen for, and without answering, they somehow turn it around in such a crafty way that you feel guilty for even thinking it could possibly be true, and perhaps even apologise to them…you need to take a step back and have a think.
Anyone who’s been reading this little blog of mine, would know, that over the last year, I’ve been in a bad way, emotionally. I was depressed, I was very unhappy..very very unhappy. What you don’t know, is that it brought me to a point, where I was able to make peace with a lot of things. The most important of those was my mortality. I’ve never been afraid of dying, It has to happen sometime, but when you actually make peace with it, something happens inside you. It’s like, if you’re ok with dying, then everything else that you’ve been fretting about seems so trivial. The person you thought you would die without, you don’t mind losing, because you’re already at peace with life and death.
I was very recently told something about the person I fell for. I’ve been hearing things, but that was the first time I’d been told face to face, something about him. The conversation arose by way of a story I was telling about an interaction I’d had with someone. So this person had no reason whatsoever, to think telling me what they did, would in any way benefit them, or hurt me. I was angry, I was hurt. When someone doesn’t actually ever give you straight answers, and the world is willing to tell you a lot, it’s really simple to understand how or why you’d listen to the world. So I was hurt, and once again I contacted said person and told them what I needed in order for the agreement to go ahead (mind you, there still had been no reply to my initial question). Things said/written in hurt, can come out harsh, but it’s usually the truth. I’m not one who is interested in being a member of a harem. The response I got then, was that (paraphrasing) while they were interested in my offer, they were quite uninterested in having to deal with “attitude” basically, emotions and feelings, and having to answer questions. I chuckled. It was a new feeling. Prior to this, I’d have become upset, cried into my pillow, and did whatever I could to ensure this person wouldn’t be angry enough to leave me. I’m at peace. The fact that this hasn’t been the first time something like this has occurred, got me thinking. I reflected back on various exchanges and how I’d handled them. I thought of something that happened a while back, when said person fucked up royally, like telling a lie, that I would eventually find out about (those are the worst lies, because it’s like the person doesn’t care), and when I got hurt and angry and in the heat of the moment asked them not to speak to me….that’s exactly what they did. Later I was told “well you said not to talk to you”. That night a few days ago, I lay there and I thought about that. Thought about the fact that he fucked up, lied to me, I found out, and instead of trying to fix it, he found it really easy to just walk away. It was me who brought us back together. The recent exchange felt just like that. It felt like many times in the past where he’s said something to me that made it clear what I was, but I didn’t listen…except this time, all I could think was, we all have to live how ever we’re happy, and you can’t make someone feel about you what you feel for them. I don’t mind being friendly with him, he’s pretty much a good guy, and I enjoy his company, but I’m not going to fight up, and stress myself for someone who isn’t going to care to tell me/ convince me of the truth, or fight that same fight for me because they aren’t terrified of losing me.
I’ve made a few posts over the last few days, I can just imagine that he believes them to be about him. He’s been my sun for so long, that I wouldn’t blame him for thinking that. But most haven’t been, and what have to do with him, aren’t really about him, but about me dealing with the situation.
When someone has told you time and time again, that you deserve better, don’t think that they’re being self deprecating, or humble, just believe them, go on out there and find yourself someone who deserves and wants you. Someone willing to fight for you, no matter the circumstances.
*steps off shelf and dusts self off*
Beach Files 